DREAMING UP ANGER

In the day I seek the light and shun any fears or darker parts of myself aside. I become a great actress with my lines memorized for each and every situation I will encounter that day. It’s how I have learnt to survive in this world.

But at night I enter the darkness and I travel with my dreams into the realms of fear, truth and the many different facets that make me up as a women. 

Last night I dreamt that I moved into a home high up on a hill in the country. The grass was all dried up and the colour of wheat. The air was heavy with humidity. Everything seemed so still. I stood at the doorway of my cottage and peered through the waves of heat at a path that cascaded down the hill. Two people began to approach. As they got closer I could see it was my ex husband and a women who has hurt me in waking life immensely. Even now I still feel the daggers she has left in my back. I was wearing a pretty white dress with a red and white polka dot apron over the top. My hair was out and although I looked soft and feminine a staunch power was surrounding me. My ex-husband stopped and lent on a rock, lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and with a jerk of it he ushered for the woman to approach me. I narrowed my eyes and kissed my teeth. There was no way I was going to let her anywhere near my home. I then realized I was holding a large stick that was carved with all sorts of traditional  Maori patterns. My knuckles began to turn white with the grip I had around it. I stepped through the doorway and in a large, strong and commanding voice I bellowed, “Get off my WHENUA!” (Whenua is the Maori word for land and also placenta.) I said this over and over again but still she walked closer to me, smiling with a smugness that boiled my blood and made me stand even taller and command even stronger for her to leave my land. We came nose to nose, woman to woman and stared each other down. “LEAVE.” I said, with such ferocity that she backed up. Though she still smiled that smug smile. I turned to my right and looked over at my huge black dog that had been watching this all play out. I gave him a look that said “Get rid of her”. He slowly got up and began to snarl and growl. He walked like he was stalking her, ready to kill. She was backing down the hill now, though still reluctantly. My dog and I both barred our teeth and with a deafening bark from him and one last, “Get off my Whenua!!” from me. The woman finally disappeared.

So much self-doubt and confusion has been swirling around me but dreams like this let me know I’m travelling in the dark to seek the darkness in spite of my fears. My miraculous mind is giving me stories of the strong woman within, the angry woman within, the protector woman within and how to mend my heart in waking life using these puzzle pieces that make me up.

Our messages in our dreams are medicinal antidotes to those bigger emotions we seem to suppress such as anger. I find it hard to let the fire of anger burn in the way it needs to and to slowly snuff it out with patience and love. Instead I suppress it and let it burn in a place inside that allows its flames to lick the compassion and empathy right out of me. This is why my dream time is so important. Especially as a mother with very little time in the day to get quiet with myself, I wait until the moon is high and in front and behind my eyelids is darkness. It is then all masks are taken off and my script is left behind.  It is then I slip into the work of spirit.

A x

The women must gather

We as women must gather. Our marred world depends on it. Her earthly womb that first bore us cries out for her daughters to come together again and remember each other.

Mother Earth does not want perfection. She does not want us to believe for a moment longer that we are the original sin and to become a carefully crafted product of societies deep insecurities.

The women must gather. So we remember to look upon each other in awe and appreciation of our differences and our unique purposes of this life. We are mountains meeting oceans. Both large, powerful and from the same source, yet needed in wholly different ways.

The women must gather. So we remember to let go more, drop down our flowing locks, use our feet to dance upon the land and sway our hips to the rhythm of our own knowing hearts.

The women must gather. So the wisdom of motherhood that runs like an ancient river through our veins can be unleashed and poured out to our children. We unmask the women who have hidden to long behind mans stamp of unworthiness that presses firmly on the role of Mama.

The women must gather. So we can heal. We are strength in numbers. We must gather for the woman who wakes in the morning with dead eyes and cold bony fingers that knead into her empty womb, still tender from being swept of life. Her grief sits heavy within the vacant space like unliftable rocks in place of the child she will never meet. Gather with your women, dear sister, so that we may help carry the heavy boulders of burden for you. Let us wrap you in our arms, kiss your head and wipe away your tears we to have shed.

The women must gather. So we remember who we are, that we are never alone and within our circle we unleash the beauty of simply being WOMAN. 

Astrid xx

A MEDITAION FOR THE LITTLE ONES - RAINBOW

This is a meditation for your little ones. It is best done before nap time or bed time or whenever your child is feeling most relaxed.

I based this meditation around the seven main chakras of the body. Each chakra has a different vibrational frequency, corresponds to certain organs and represent different emotions and feelings. It is said that when the chakra wheels are spinning with ease and vibrancy then you will be physically, emotionally and spiritually very well.

This is a nice way to introduce the chakras to your children or just an awareness of the different states we can be in. No matter what, this meditation will make your child feel lovely and relaxed and intrigued by this magical rainbow. Enjoy!

RAINBOW

Lie down and snuggle into your bed and get comfortable. Softly close your little eyes and lips. Start to take some big deep breaths in and out of your nose. Feel how the cool air goes in as you breath in and then how warm air flows out as you breathe out. Your deep breathing is making you feel very relaxed. You start to drift off to a wonderful dreamy place.

You are lying on a grassy hill underneath a big shady tree. The golden sun trickles through the leafy branches, warming your face and body. The sweet smell of wildflowers is all around you and in the distance you can here a gentle river flowing. As you watch puffy white clouds pass by a beautiful rainbow stretches out from the sky and lands at your feet. All the colors begin to flow over your body sending a feeling of relaxation and peace.

The red swirls up your legs making them glow with lovely healing warmth. The red that's like the colour of a shiny apple makes you feel safe, nourished and grounded.

Just below your belly button the colour orange glows radiantly out of you. The vibrant orange that's like the soft inside of a mango makes you feel strong and creative. You feel as though you have the power to be whatever you want to be.

Your tummy now beams with a yellow as bright as the sun or a juicy lemon. The lovely yellow colour all around your tummy makes you feel confident and worthy of all the love and kindness the world has to offer.

Creeping up to your chest you see the colour green radiating out of your heart space. The green is bright like the leaves on the trees and the grass in the meadows. It fills your whole body with deep love and joy. It makes you feel very peaceful, from your head to your toes.

Now imagine your throat glowing blue. The blue is as magnificent as a clear blue sky on a summers day. The blue flowing over your throat makes you feel as though you can say and express yourself in any situation. You feel able to tell people your when you are feeling good and when you are feeling bad. You feel free to speak your truth.

See the space between your eyebrows shimmer with a beautiful purple. The purple is like the soft purple you see on the petals of wildflowers or a sweet plum. This purple shimmering out of your third eye ignites your imagination and intuition. You feel confident and trusting of yourself.

Imagine the top of your head is radiating out a brilliant violet colour like the violet shade of a bunch of succulent grapes. The violet streaming out the top of your head brings you a feeling of utter bliss. Any worries or fears you have are left behind as this beautiful colour brings you a feeling of connection to every living thing in this world.

As you lay on your grassy hill beaming with all the colours of the rainbow you cant help but smile. All these wonderful colours make you feel so content and peaceful. The energy of these colours are very special to you and you can imagine them flowing over your precious body whenever you need to feel more relaxed, joyful or loving.

Now start to wiggle your toes and fingers. Take a few deep belly breaths, then slowly open your eyes and move around as you feel energised by the rainbow shining bright inside of you.

Astrid xx

LOVE LIVES AND LOVE DIES

The thing is... Everything wears off and changes. But, we become addicted to first encounters and certain feelings. Especially love and sex. We become addicted to that love you experience when you first meet your flame. That insatiable, gut flipping, heart pounding lustful love that can almost drive you insane with desire and need for that other person. But it doesn't last. Like a yoga practice that is sustained over time by conscious modification and gentle manipulation to adapt to the changes in body and life, so are our intimate relationships.

I write this not as an expert on this topic. I'm anything but! I write this as a goodbye to a belief that life is always juicy and passionate and lived in a state of high. I have chased that high through little blue pills, reckless sex, fads, vanity and yes even through a misunderstanding of my yoga practice. 

I'm over fighting the suffering. If you live you suffer. Oh there is joy too, don't you worry! But my god there is suffering. I'm over being sold that we can live in this constant state of high happiness. I quite like my suffering thank-you-very-much. Its where my stories come from. Its how I become deeply compassionate and driven to help others. Its in my suffering I find my truths as if they are sunbeams seeping down like golden honey through blotchy grey clouds.

Gardening teaches you a lot about love actually. One season you have an eden of greenery to feast on and be nourished by and the next season its eaten by disease and pests. Human relationships are also blessed by seasons of calm and abundance and tested by sullen winters of mistrust, resentment and even falling out of love.

I think perhaps the key is always knowing that love is going to change and changing with it. Its also trying to sober the lustful junkie in our fragile veins by loving ourselves more and more everyday. Filling us up with our own joyful spirit and purging the idea that someone else will do this for us seems to me, a step towards long lasting relationships. Having warm lips to trail kisses along your neck is just a bonus really..

Love Astrid xx

HOW TO BE A MINDFUL MAMA

Mindfulness is a common term used in meditation circles and among the new age spiritually intrigued.   It cultivates an image and feeling of blissful stillness and deep inner peace. We often here yoga and meditation teachers telling us to "empty the mind" which as a parent seems near impossible most of the time, but I have a different take on the word mindful and how it can benefit the journey of motherhood. 

When we break up the word it becomes mind-FULL. How about instead of trying to constantly empty our minds we fill it up with the present moment. As mothers we have an abundance of opportunities to fill our scattered brains with beautiful appreciation and awareness of the sensory experience of motherhood. Here are some ways to to slow down a little, reduce stress and become a more mindful mama x

• Start the day with cuddles and kisses. Lots of them! I use to wake up resentful of the lack of sleep I had, the crying out for "breakfast now mama!" and the fact I couldn't slide back under my duvet cover until the sun had at least properly risen. Now when my children's little pink fingers slip the blankets down and climb their warm bed bodies in next to me, I squeeze them and I kiss them until they scream "stop it mama!" and then I hold them closer a little more. Children, especially young ones, are still so in their bodies. This means that physical contact and plenty of it is incredibly important and beneficial for their physical and emotional wellbeing. Up until the age of two they still think they are attached to their mother. We need to nurture this physiological aspect of our children and it starts by becoming aware. Start the day by being mindful of the close physical connection our children need to have with us and squeeze love and kindness out of your body and into theirs then watch your day unfold in a whole new way.
• Cultivate ritual and gratitude. Another important morning aspect for us is saying a little blessing over our breakfast and then I sit with them as they eat and ask them what they are grateful for today. They usually say "I'm grateful for my porridge and toast! or for mummy and daddy!". This brings in mindfulness by making sure you, mama, eat a proper breakfast first and foremost. We then become mindful of how blessed we are in our lives and also rituals such as these force us to connect with our families and to become mindful of what our loved ones are thinking and feeling. Even if it is just how much they love their toast! Here is the blessing we use at meal times. It is a Waldorf inspired verse: Blessings on the blossoms and blessings on the fruit, blessings on the tress and leaves and blessings on the roots. Thank you for food!
• Give yourself timeout. I recently attended a parenting seminar and one of the best things I learnt was that timeout for children doesn't work but instead you can give yourself time out. I can become very overwhelmed by my children's tantrums and anger. I never knew such little people could fill me with so much stress and rage! Now I try as calm as possible to say "Mummy is going to the bathroom" (or wherever I can hide out for a moment) and take myself to timeout. I may cuss a little under my breath, rub my head and then start taking a few big deep breaths. I remind myself that I have reached my limit and that's OK. It's important to be mindful of your own feelings and to energize yourself first before tackling stressful situations such as toddler meltdowns. I then remind myself that my children are very little, need love and understanding but clear boundaries too. Be mindful of your own limits and reducing stress by having mama timeouts. Don't forget those big deep belly breaths. They really help calm a fraught nervous system.
• Find one thing, one act of love, to be your meditation and do it with mindfulness every single day. It can be anything from sipping your morning coffee, to kissing your loved ones goodbye or pulling soft woolly socks over your babies toes. Whatever you chose, do it with full presence and give it your full attention. Become aware of the smells, the way it feels against your skin or the sound of what you've chosen. Immerse yourself in the small details of your chosen moment. Remember that you can find peace and stillness in the most smallest of acts and they can fill you up with a warmth that feels like the sun is beaming out from inside of you. 
• Love your body. Do this today or a soon as possible:  Buy yourself the most luxurious, creamy and heavenly smelling body lotion. Then every day smother lashings of it over your beautiful life giving body. Massage it in to yourself the way you would massage a lover. With tenderness, kindness and a lot of love. Breathe in big inhales and exhales as you do this and smile at the parts you love and hate about yourself. In fact, linger a little more on the parts you hate as they will be needing extra love. When we become mindful in acts of self love, we step out into the world with an inner confidence knowing that we have taken a moment in our day to honour these mama bodies that give so much on a daily basis. 
• Have in breath and out breath moments in your day. A common complaint among parents of today is the busyness of it all. We are constantly rushing from one thing to the next, never stopping, never taking a moment to just be and breathe. We think our children's days have to be filled to the brim with activities and constant stimulation. In breath moments are those times when the kids are running around, dinner is being cooked, washing is being hung and mud pies in the garden are being thrown around with shouts of glee! Out breath moments are sitting in mamas lap to read a story or hear a soft song sung, slow walks through nature and watching clouds pass by on cosy blankets outside. Be mindful of having these slower moments in your day for your children and yourself. They will help to gather your thoughts, re energize and bring peace back into the home.

Mindfulness to me is bringing all the goodness that is in life into our minds and acknowledging the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings too. Life as mama can sometimes feel like you are amidst a big stormy sea with crashing waves all around, dark murky water with no bottom in sight and no compass to direct the way home. Just know that we have all been in that ocean and in those dark times. Just stop, breathe and you will find the calm beyond the fury of the storm. It is always there. You know it is. That peace resides in you no matter what and if you want it, it is there to take your hand and lead you into being the mindful mama that you always were. xx

MIDNIGHT KISSES

I have always loved the stillness of night. I often wake around midnight or even three am and lay there listening to the creatures who seek prey or the ones who just share their beauty with a soft song under the snowy moon. Most of all I love the stillness. Rugged thoughts and tired bones feel as though they have dissolved with what little sleep I've had. My heart beats at a slow rhythmic pace and feels light and open. Perhaps I'm a woman of the night. Destined to always wake and have my blue veins bathed and turned silver by the light of galaxies far far away. The darkness seems to evoke an energy and a passion in my spirit. 

I use to love making love in the dead of the night. Sleepy intertwined bodies heavely and slowly would drape on top of each other. Half awake kisses trail along eyes still dreaming. Murmurs of passion are exchanged as we would lull each other with rhythmic rocks. No words spoken, we would be guided by only feeling and the energy of this sacred time. With sweat stained cheeks we would fall once again into the mould of each others bodies, skin on skin, and back into the theta mind. Perhaps a whisper of "I love you" somewhere or perhaps not..

I have a new love in my dark nights. They are my children. sometimes I creep next to them and stare into the cherub faces. I try to etch every crease, curve and detail of their innocent beings into my mind. I stroke their little noses and kiss their teeney toes. I hold them and cradle them and whisper promises of joy and that I will be a better mama tomorrow. Sometimes I drip sad tears onto their downy soft heads as their youth shows me how delicate and immortal this life is. The invincibility of my own childhood has been drained away and replaced with a deeper respect for birth and inevitable death. I see the veil between these two worlds become thinner and thinner as i become older. I then fill with gratitude and pride as I realize these children will be my greatest achievements. I bask in moonlight and in motherhood. 

Darkness is for reflection and reguventaion. We arrive earthside into darkness and are stationed in the watery portal of our mothers womb. Dark envelops us as we grow. It always fascinates me that the heart is formed in the embryo before any other organ, even before the brain. The heart then, should always come first in life. I do not believe in coincidences. This was meant to be. And what is last to go as we fall into the dark void of death? Our heart.. Darkness is woven in life and in death. It holds a power as bright as our light side. Do not fear the inky black skies or the parts of you that you shun away into the shadows of your subconscious mind. 

Embrace it all and howl to the moon wild woman! In your darkest hour something amazing is being born. You will shed and you will reform into the magnificence you were always meant to be xx

A MEDITATION FOR LITTLE SOULS - MAGICAL ROCKPOOL

Meditation is a wonderful tool to bring into your child's life. With their imaginations at their peak, calming and beautiful imagery can evoke peace and also drop pearls of wisdom into their precious minds. Through these types of meditations we can empower our children and work through issues that may be occurring in their waking life. 

This is also a beautiful way to bond with your child and please feel free to massage your children or add your own loving words. 

This meditation is apart of a series I am developing called YOGA FOR THE TRIBE. I want to bring yoga and meditation into families as a way of healing and bonding. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

The magical rockpool of your soul

MAGICAL ROCKPOOL

Lie down on your back and stretch your arms and legs and then relax fully. Let your feet flop open like a big open book and rest your arms by your side with your palms facing up towards the sky. Begin to breathe big deep breaths in and out of your nose. Feel all the tension in your body start to disappear like magic as you do this. Your body now feels relaxed and heavy. You are safe and comfortable.

Imagine now sitting on a sandy beach as you watch the ocean. The orange sun is warming your back and a soft breeze tickles at your cheeks, keeping you cool. You watch the waves rising and crashing onto the shore and you breathe in and out deeply and slowly. You feel very relaxed and calm.

The water begins to lap up against your feet and you like the feeling of it so much that you decide to go for a swim in the nearby rock pool. As you walk over to it, soft white sand squeaks between your toes. 

You sit on the edge of the pool with your legs dangling in the water. You take another deep breath in and as you breathe out you slip your body into the crystal clear water. The water is cool and silky on your body. You feel so refreshed and peaceful. 

You look down at the water all around you and see that at the bottom of the rockpool are pink starfish, pearly white pipis and rainbow coloured fish. Can you see all the beautiful creatures? 

Then something else catches your eye, something sparkly. 

You reach down and pick it up. Its a precious gemstone and you move it around your fingers feeling its smoothness and admiring its unique shape and its color. What color is it? Imagine it to be your favourite color. You sit and rest in the rockpool with the water cleansing your body and holding the gemstone against your heart. It feels apart of you and something to be treasured and looked after. You breathe in and out of your nose with a slow steady rhythm. You feel deeply peaceful and happy.

Just like your special rockpool, you too hold many amazing gifts that are unique and precious to you. You are a very special part of this world with many wonderful talents to offer. When you express the beautiful being that is YOU then you allow others to shine too. 

Know that at any time you can visit your rockpool to discover and remember the gems that you hold inside of you. 

When you are ready, begin to wriggle your toes and fingers, then gently open your eyes and focus on your surroundings. Stretch your arms and legs. You feel relaxed, secure and happy.

Astrid xx

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